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Aug. 19th, 2012
Chapel Perilous: Meditations On The Abyss
Aug. 19th, 2012 01:01 pmSome time ago, I had an experience. My "long dark ad break of the soul" where the things I knew and loved, and took for granted, just melted away.
The things I knew proved worthless and ineffective in saving my downward plunge; the things I loved were not there for me. I wandered like Ishtar through the seven gates.
And at the bottom, it was just me ... and the Abyss.
After a time, I wondered if there was just the Abyss there - and then I knew that that was not the case. The Abyss was gone, and it was just me.
Only, who the hell was I?
Was I the person who was born, grew up in North Wales, led a pretty contiguous existence inside this mortal shell of pudgy flesh, and who answers to my name when called?
Or was I part of this Abyss, part of the chaos made coherent by my incarnation in pudgy flesh and imperfectly-firing neurons, a field of information being generated by virtue of my being living meat?
I decided to reserve my judgment, and return to the world, and leave my fears behind where I left them until I need to go back down there and retrieve them for something really important; and when I came back, I was the person you see posting my status updates before you.
To give an example of what that means ...
- Yesterday afternoon, I attended a party to which I'd been invited. Hard to imagine that I get invitations to attend, but there you go.
- While there, a woman noted that she had an interest in Tarot. I casually asked her what stage of the Fool's Journey she thought she was on. She replied "The Tower." The beginning of her journey through Chapel Perilous, or the end? Either way, best to leave her to finish her journey and wish her peace at the end.
- I was about to mention that I was about card IX, The Hermit, also known as the Lightbringer, when this Christian man nearby just snorted. "Nutters," he said.
- My reaction: I watched the woman as she winced.
- My long term reaction: I love the hostess' dog. She is so affectionate. Always licking my hand. The hand I used to shake hands with the Christian when I was leaving the party to go home. It took special effort to get the dog to lick my hand - I had to find just the right food that she would not turn up her nose at.
Turns out to be the double cream the hostess had covered the cake with.
I doubt that the younger, pre-Chapel Perilous me would ever have done something like that. I imagine my younger self would not have been able to do anything like that at all, actually. I'd probably have curled up into a ball and died a death.
There was something I told mein hostess a while back, last time we met. Anyone who goes through Chapel Perilous and comes back up out of it is changed. Part of the Abyss comes back up with you, and part of the wanderer remains.
Part of me is of the Abyss, made manifest, trying to figure itself out. And the Abyss is filled with the fragments of such lost souls.
I sometimes wonder what part of me was left behind in there.
The things I knew proved worthless and ineffective in saving my downward plunge; the things I loved were not there for me. I wandered like Ishtar through the seven gates.
And at the bottom, it was just me ... and the Abyss.
After a time, I wondered if there was just the Abyss there - and then I knew that that was not the case. The Abyss was gone, and it was just me.
Only, who the hell was I?
Was I the person who was born, grew up in North Wales, led a pretty contiguous existence inside this mortal shell of pudgy flesh, and who answers to my name when called?
Or was I part of this Abyss, part of the chaos made coherent by my incarnation in pudgy flesh and imperfectly-firing neurons, a field of information being generated by virtue of my being living meat?
I decided to reserve my judgment, and return to the world, and leave my fears behind where I left them until I need to go back down there and retrieve them for something really important; and when I came back, I was the person you see posting my status updates before you.
To give an example of what that means ...
- Yesterday afternoon, I attended a party to which I'd been invited. Hard to imagine that I get invitations to attend, but there you go.
- While there, a woman noted that she had an interest in Tarot. I casually asked her what stage of the Fool's Journey she thought she was on. She replied "The Tower." The beginning of her journey through Chapel Perilous, or the end? Either way, best to leave her to finish her journey and wish her peace at the end.
- I was about to mention that I was about card IX, The Hermit, also known as the Lightbringer, when this Christian man nearby just snorted. "Nutters," he said.
- My reaction: I watched the woman as she winced.
- My long term reaction: I love the hostess' dog. She is so affectionate. Always licking my hand. The hand I used to shake hands with the Christian when I was leaving the party to go home. It took special effort to get the dog to lick my hand - I had to find just the right food that she would not turn up her nose at.
Turns out to be the double cream the hostess had covered the cake with.
I doubt that the younger, pre-Chapel Perilous me would ever have done something like that. I imagine my younger self would not have been able to do anything like that at all, actually. I'd probably have curled up into a ball and died a death.
There was something I told mein hostess a while back, last time we met. Anyone who goes through Chapel Perilous and comes back up out of it is changed. Part of the Abyss comes back up with you, and part of the wanderer remains.
Part of me is of the Abyss, made manifest, trying to figure itself out. And the Abyss is filled with the fragments of such lost souls.
I sometimes wonder what part of me was left behind in there.
