Dead Tyrant Sketch ... had to say it

Based on this news item here ...

(A perfectly ordinary pet shop. A tall customer in a hideous top-buttoned pacamac, bird cage [and bird] in hand, enters. This is Mr. Praline.)


Mr. Praline : 'Ello. I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner has his back to the register and does not respond.)


Mr. Praline : 'Ello, Miss?

Owner : (turning around, very angry) What do you mean, "miss"?

Mr. Praline : I'm sorry, I have a cold.

(The owner nods, understanding.)


Mr. Praline : I wish to make a complaint!

Owner : (hurriedly) Sorry, we're closin' for lunch...!

Mr. Praline : Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this tyrant, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner : Oh yes, the, ah, the North Korean Dictator ... What's, ah... W-what's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline : I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

Owner : No, no, 'e's ah... he's resting.

Mr. Praline : Look, matey, I know a dead tyrant when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner : No no, h-he's not dead, he's, he's restin'!

Mr. Praline : Restin'?

Owner : Y-yeah, restin.' Remarkable bird, the North Korean Dictator, isn't it, eh? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline : The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead!

Owner : Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline : All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!

(shouting at the cage)

'Ello, Polly! Mister Polly tyrant! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you wake up, Mr. Polly tyrant...

(owner hits the cage)


Owner : There, he moved!

Mr. Praline : No, he didn't, that was you pushing the cage!

Owner : I never!!

Mr. Praline : Yes, you did!

Owner : I never, never....

(He pulls the tyrant out of the cage and screams into its ear.)

Mr. Praline : 'ELLO POLLAAAAAAAY! POLL-EE! POLLY tyrant! WAKE UP!

(He bangs its head against the store counter, horribly hard.)


TESTIIIING! TESTIIIING! THIS IS YOUR NINE-O' CLOCK ALARM CALL!


(He does it again, harder.)


POLL-EEEEEEE!

(He tosses it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor. Longish pause.)


Now that's what I call a dead tyrant.

Owner : No, no.... No, he's stunned.

Mr. Praline : STUNNED?

Owner : Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! North Korean Dictators stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline : Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That tyrant is definitely deceased, and when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.

Owner : Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for the fjords.

(Praline looks angrily back and forth, stuttering.)


Mr. Praline : PININ' for the FJORDS? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner : The North Korean Dictator prefers kippin' on its back! Remarkable bird, isn't it, guv, eh? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline : (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that tyrant when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)


Owner : Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its little pecker, and VOOM!

Mr. Praline : "VOOM?"

(Praline puts the cage down and take the tyrant into his hands.)


Mr. Praline : Look matey, this tyrant wouldn't "voom" if you put four thousand volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!

Owner : It's not! I-It's pining!

Mr. Praline : It's not pinin,' it's passed on! This tyrant is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late tyrant! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he would be pushing up the daisies! Its metabolical processes are of interest only to historians! It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This.... is an EX-tyrant!

(pause)


Owner : Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(He disappears behind the counter.)


Mr. Praline : (turning to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth.

(The owner returns.)


Owner : Sorry guv, we're fresh out of tyrants.

Mr. Praline : I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner : (quietly) I-I've got a slug.


*goes off whistling the theme to "The Yong Uns"*