So there you have it
Nov. 9th, 2008 10:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fiat_knoxI'm alone, but not lonely. It's been a cold weekend, rainy and miserable, with the sun rising later than I'd like and setting sooner than I'd hope, and the sky going from orange to slate to orange without a hint of sunlight breaking through the clouds.
Oh, and that heavy, drumming rain. The one good thing is, it's a sovereign cure for my insomnia. I sleep like a baby when it's raining heavily outside.
I think I've lost a friend. Someone I've never met; someone I don't know if I really ever knew. I can repeat "I'm sorry" but it comes out empty and hollow, and I don't think people are listening at this stage anyway.
So I think I'm now a little more alone than I was. And I am sorry about that.
In time to come, the loss will hurt inside. But I've lost other people before. People I've come to know so intimately that I've proposed to them, and they've said yes - and I've lost them, too.
And I could let this feeling overwhelm me. But ironically, this friend of mine showed me how to live and not let loneliness get to me ... so all I can do is feel a little confused, a little sad, and look steadily ahead. People who've read my LJ now know that I never ask for forgiveness from people I've wronged. Either you forgive me my trespasses, or you don't. If you don't, you sever all ties and I never hear from you again. There's nothing I can do about that, is there? I'd rather be alone than appear whiny or clingy or desperate. You know this to be true now.
I know it sounds almost inhumanly callous ... but it's all I can do.
It's all I really know what to do.
Oh, and that heavy, drumming rain. The one good thing is, it's a sovereign cure for my insomnia. I sleep like a baby when it's raining heavily outside.
I think I've lost a friend. Someone I've never met; someone I don't know if I really ever knew. I can repeat "I'm sorry" but it comes out empty and hollow, and I don't think people are listening at this stage anyway.
So I think I'm now a little more alone than I was. And I am sorry about that.
In time to come, the loss will hurt inside. But I've lost other people before. People I've come to know so intimately that I've proposed to them, and they've said yes - and I've lost them, too.
And I could let this feeling overwhelm me. But ironically, this friend of mine showed me how to live and not let loneliness get to me ... so all I can do is feel a little confused, a little sad, and look steadily ahead. People who've read my LJ now know that I never ask for forgiveness from people I've wronged. Either you forgive me my trespasses, or you don't. If you don't, you sever all ties and I never hear from you again. There's nothing I can do about that, is there? I'd rather be alone than appear whiny or clingy or desperate. You know this to be true now.
I know it sounds almost inhumanly callous ... but it's all I can do.
It's all I really know what to do.
