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A post about something loathesome
Mar. 16th, 2004 06:09 pmOkay, so I haven't posted on this board for some time. So sue me if I speak my mind - which means to say, not that often.
Today's rant ... soaps. And why they, and most television, are the closest thing I have to something I hate.
Soaps are loathesome shows. They predate the cheap and cheerful fashions of modern day Daytime TV, all camp gardening, camp home and beauty makeover shows, camp auction and car boot sale bargain shows and camp and tawdry chat shows by some years.
Soaps predate the obnoxious fad of docusoaps, "World's Best," "World's Worst," "World's Scariest", "From Hell" and ghastly "reality TV" shows by as many years. They have a pedigree, like old and mature gut worms.
And, like gut worms, soaps are a cultural parasite.
A true parasite keeps its host alive, while at the same time sucking out more than its fair share of nutrients which would otherwise turn the host into a healthy specimen. The host becomes slow, sluggish and often bloats out - all the better to allow predators to catch and kill the host, thus allowing the parasite's eggs to spread to the next part of its cycle.
Soaps fulfill all of the criteria of parasites. The money that would otherwise be used by TV programmers to come up with genuine, culturally relevant TV shows is siphoned off by the soaps to produce more of the same tired old plots.
Of which there are three, endlessly recycled: births, marriages and deaths.
More frequently seen than the others, the Great Soap Marriage is the staple of many a soap plotline, because it is the easiest to put together, it requires no additional cast members to be added to the cast list and it requires no current actor to leave the soap ("be written out of the script.")
It allows the audience to sit back and weep sentimentally into hankies when the priest utters the same, tired, boring f*cking words; it allows the obligatory moment of so-called "drama" when someone invariably pops their head up to object to the marriage the moment the priest states "If there is anyone present who objects to this marriage, please say so now or forever hold your peace."
Soap marriages become an excuse for the most tired - sounding, tedious marriage vows in all of human endeavour, as the scriptwriters fumble to put words in the mouths of their puppets and, instead, come up with lines of unutterable cheesiness such as:-
- "You are a part of me, you complete me, like the stars in the sky, the wind beneath my wings."
- "I swear to you, I will always love you."
- "As the ocean is to the shore, so I shall be to you,"
etc. etc. yadda yadda pass the f*cking sick bag.
Another loathesome thing, as far as I can tell, is the way that one particular soap uses sexualised poses and images in the opening credits to grab the viewers, mostly male, and lure them in to watching the damned soap alongside women. The soap is an Australian abomination called Home and Away, and its opening theme sequence shows all the cast's faces drifting lazily across the screen.
What really sets my teeth on edge with this sequence is that, as the images of the universally pretty women are just about to leave the screen, they are always shown dipping their heads slightly, looking askance at the camera and giving it that "come f*ck me" look. Just as they are going off screen, mind you: and no, there's no sign of the same behaviour in the blokes, or in the old biddies who also populate this abhorrent piece of Aussie excrement. Only the women, some of whom are supposed to be barely legal, even sometimes f*cking underage.
Frickin abominable.
What's my point in all of this? My point is very simple.
Soaps con women into believing that everyone has a soulmate waiting for them Somewhere Out There.
I've met women who strongly believe that Their Great Soul Mate lies just outside of sensor range, waiting for them to wander around a corner and Bump Into Them. This ... fiction ... is about as realistic as tales of Bigfoot or Nessie. Yet still millions of women are conned, daily, into believing that this myth is true.
And the most dangerous perpetrators of this ghastly myth are soaps.
Yeah, soaps have a lot to answer for.
Do I have any answers for this? Not as yet, beyond the usual "Switch off the bloody TV set and go and use your time in an interesting way."
Today's rant ... soaps. And why they, and most television, are the closest thing I have to something I hate.
Soaps are loathesome shows. They predate the cheap and cheerful fashions of modern day Daytime TV, all camp gardening, camp home and beauty makeover shows, camp auction and car boot sale bargain shows and camp and tawdry chat shows by some years.
Soaps predate the obnoxious fad of docusoaps, "World's Best," "World's Worst," "World's Scariest", "From Hell" and ghastly "reality TV" shows by as many years. They have a pedigree, like old and mature gut worms.
And, like gut worms, soaps are a cultural parasite.
A true parasite keeps its host alive, while at the same time sucking out more than its fair share of nutrients which would otherwise turn the host into a healthy specimen. The host becomes slow, sluggish and often bloats out - all the better to allow predators to catch and kill the host, thus allowing the parasite's eggs to spread to the next part of its cycle.
Soaps fulfill all of the criteria of parasites. The money that would otherwise be used by TV programmers to come up with genuine, culturally relevant TV shows is siphoned off by the soaps to produce more of the same tired old plots.
Of which there are three, endlessly recycled: births, marriages and deaths.
More frequently seen than the others, the Great Soap Marriage is the staple of many a soap plotline, because it is the easiest to put together, it requires no additional cast members to be added to the cast list and it requires no current actor to leave the soap ("be written out of the script.")
It allows the audience to sit back and weep sentimentally into hankies when the priest utters the same, tired, boring f*cking words; it allows the obligatory moment of so-called "drama" when someone invariably pops their head up to object to the marriage the moment the priest states "If there is anyone present who objects to this marriage, please say so now or forever hold your peace."
Soap marriages become an excuse for the most tired - sounding, tedious marriage vows in all of human endeavour, as the scriptwriters fumble to put words in the mouths of their puppets and, instead, come up with lines of unutterable cheesiness such as:-
- "You are a part of me, you complete me, like the stars in the sky, the wind beneath my wings."
- "I swear to you, I will always love you."
- "As the ocean is to the shore, so I shall be to you,"
etc. etc. yadda yadda pass the f*cking sick bag.
Another loathesome thing, as far as I can tell, is the way that one particular soap uses sexualised poses and images in the opening credits to grab the viewers, mostly male, and lure them in to watching the damned soap alongside women. The soap is an Australian abomination called Home and Away, and its opening theme sequence shows all the cast's faces drifting lazily across the screen.
What really sets my teeth on edge with this sequence is that, as the images of the universally pretty women are just about to leave the screen, they are always shown dipping their heads slightly, looking askance at the camera and giving it that "come f*ck me" look. Just as they are going off screen, mind you: and no, there's no sign of the same behaviour in the blokes, or in the old biddies who also populate this abhorrent piece of Aussie excrement. Only the women, some of whom are supposed to be barely legal, even sometimes f*cking underage.
Frickin abominable.
What's my point in all of this? My point is very simple.
Soaps con women into believing that everyone has a soulmate waiting for them Somewhere Out There.
I've met women who strongly believe that Their Great Soul Mate lies just outside of sensor range, waiting for them to wander around a corner and Bump Into Them. This ... fiction ... is about as realistic as tales of Bigfoot or Nessie. Yet still millions of women are conned, daily, into believing that this myth is true.
And the most dangerous perpetrators of this ghastly myth are soaps.
Yeah, soaps have a lot to answer for.
Do I have any answers for this? Not as yet, beyond the usual "Switch off the bloody TV set and go and use your time in an interesting way."
