The Plainclothes Clown

GI waterboards girl, 4, because she cannot recite the alphabet

"Police found the little girl locked in a bathroom with bruises on her back and scratch marks on her neck and throat.

Asked how she got the bruises, the girl is said to have replied, "Daddy did it." ..."

Dear all-beloved Amida Buddha, looks like your work's cut out for you with this one. Not often you'll see me using the shocked mood, but this qualifies.